I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.