Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
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(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
it be like that
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones