Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.