This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My favorite female superhero
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important