horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
You Might Also Like
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE