before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*