Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
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Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment