If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Knock Knock
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff