Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.