her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
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Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.