Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Saturday
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.