*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.