*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
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I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”