[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.