My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
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It’s a gift
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
good let them take over I have had enough
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.