Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Room with a view.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My birthstone is kidney
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?