CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
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Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
can’t bark with your mouth full
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*