when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.