When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.