Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
is this a threat
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly