If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
they really do be looking like this
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.