me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Beware of fowl play.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling