me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
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I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan