I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more