(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
This took me a second..
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff