“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.