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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Meanwhile in Portland…
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004