Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
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Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Ironic
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.