“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
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Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I’m already scared
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me