It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
😏😏😏
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.