The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information