Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
What a website
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.