[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.