*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
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Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.