Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Wednesday
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.