*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.