Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I am yelling
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
finally found a reasonable question
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?