interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?