*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
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I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
i think both sides are to blame here
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I have many caverns
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am