I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
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All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.