speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet