There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Made something I’m not proud of
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds