[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
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The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
how to have an accident 101
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps