baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
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Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
next question.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
just make the entire table out of coaster
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.