*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
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[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it