The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
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Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey