DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You Might Also Like
hackers play passwordle
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis