December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Brb my Sims are getting married
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
January is lasting longer than my marriage
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?