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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Squirrels before girls.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Ha.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.