Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.